it was a normal monday night. i was talking to caitlin online, watching the hills, window-shopping online, thinking about how people should wait to have sex until after marriage, and then this commercial shattered my world view:
SERIOUSLY? i remember the days when in order to see sex on tv i had to sneak downstairs on thursday nights and watch real sex on hbo, which was a little too real and not enough sex.
anyway, i was inspired. to do some research. online.
there’s this dave chapelle sketch where the internet is a mall. all dave really wants to do is log on and check the score of the game, but in order to reach the site where the score is, he ends up first visiting all these other sites. in the mall, the equivalent is trying to get to a store at one end of the mall and being roped into visiting a bunch of other ones first. so in the internet mall, dave passes by a nameless bodega, whose sketchy proprietor (hat pulled down over his eyes) sidles up to dave, puts his arm around his shoulders and whispers, “yo, dude, want to increase the size of your penis?” moments later, once dave leaves the bodega, ron jeremy appears out of nowhere and propositions him with an invitation to watch lesbian twins doing whatever it is lesbian twins do (i hope it makes enough money to pay for therapy for, like, ever). next is a music “store” which offers free music — people pour out of the store clutching plain brown paper bags full of unmarked CDs. wah wah.
anyway, back to my condom investigation. i often go online to read reviews of things — restaurants, clothing, beauty products, nightclubs, etc. and while i consider myself a fairly opinionated person, i’ve never actually written a review. i seriously thought about writing an unfavorable review of a hostel i stayed at in nice, france, but i don’t think i ever actually got around to it. i’m pretty sure that should i ever be motivated to write a review, it would only be because i was thoroughly infuriated by whatever i was reviewing. so anyway, i’m intrigued by people who log on and write favorable (or unfavorable) reviews of things. what kind of people are they?
borrowing dave’s (we’re totes on a first name basis) analogy, i think online reviewers are those same outspoken strangers who spontaneously strike up candid (and usually fun) conversations in public places (check out line, drug store aisle, elevator, ladies’ room, etc.). like the middle-aged woman in dressing room of white house/black market who, upon over-hearing my tearful argument (via phone) with my mother regarding a high school graduation dress my mother said she knew would be inappropriately tight as soon as i had described it as “sort of” tight, said: “honey, just tell her you’re gonna have sex no matter what you wear.”
anyway, that’s what i thought about while reading the reviews of SKYN condoms, which are evidently latex-free, although i did not catch that the first (or second?) time through the commercial. there’s nothing like condoms that makes people want share. no really, tell me about it.
over an hour!: “This one is actually BETTER than latex! So thin and elastic that it feels like nothing is there at all and stays put for the duration (stayed for over an hour!). Completely flavorless as well! “
but that’s really a slow week for us: ”these are amazing. it feels like my fiancee is wearing nothing at all, and he says he cant feel it either. we have used these 1-2x a day for the past week and they have never broken.”
because an 85% success rate is much less scary than a 98.9%: “I had been using birth control for sometime and after having a couple of scares went to using spermicide as well still had a scare. Found these and decided to try them. They are wonderful. Almost feels like he is not wearing anything at all. Loving the feeling of it.”
but really, only if you like slyding: “For all thoes who like the slyding feeling and smooth feeling to put on you will love this condom the only con is that there is no ripples in it”
presumably, light penetration is also safe: “When I tried these condoms for the first time, it was like wearing nothing. The condom did not brake under heavy penetration and was lubricated just right. Im never switching to any other condom. It is truly the closest thing to wearing nothing!”
still, it IS a condom: “These are the only condoms we’ll use anymore. We’ve had other condoms break, but never these, and my boyfriend says they feel much better than latex condoms. Still not as good as bare backing, but if we put some lube inside they are pretty great!”
walls, huh? ”My boyfriend said these were actually better than the lifestyles ultra thin grey box. He says he can actually feel the walls of inside of me more.”
sensitive, large, exclusive… don’t threaten me with a good time. “Absolutely love this condom!!! I’m hooked. Very sensitive. Does fit larger men as well. I am exclusive to this product now.”
inner ridges and such: “I’m thinking the people giving bad reviews were under the influence of some sort. THESE WERE AMAZING. boyfriend bought these and I refuse to use anything else, except ultra thin in a pinch. these generate heat INCREDIBLY and I couldn’t tell he wore one. He said he could feel inner ridges and such inside of me more.”
there are no words: “THEY’RE GREAT! I’ve had a vasectomy so my wife and I definitely don’t need birth control but we use condoms regularly to eliminate the “drips” and also because wearing it is a bit of a turn on for both us. The Lifestyles Skins really feel closest to nothing at all. Transmit body heat better than latex and don’t dry out and require extra lube like latex. A definite winner and my permanent “go to” condom.”
just for the sake of full disclosure i should note that not ALL the reviews were positive, just the funny ones.
